This is embarrassing.

I haven't drinken? dranken? drunken? had a beer a couple weeks. I'm seriously off my game.
I keep think of things to blog about, but none of them are beer related and I'm like, my blog is called The BEER Bitch, not The RANDOM THINGS THAT I THINK ABOUT Bitch.

But whatever. I'm just going to write about the random things that I think about, and one day when I start drinking again we'll get back to beer. K?

And of course now all the wonderfully random things I've thought about in the last two-ish weeks have flown right out of my head, so this post is just getting worse and worse.

I locked myself out of my house this afternoon. You know that awful feeling when you wish you could just go back to two seconds ago before you did something really stupid? If I had the ability to time travel I wouldn't waste it on seeing the future or going back to witness history. I would save my time traveling powers for emergencies when I just need to go back two fucking seconds.

I was trying to walk the dog. To be honest, I've been kindof slacking off on walking her because now that she's growing up she's a lot less hyperactive and not walking her no longer leads to things like her chasing me around the kitchen and eating my shoelaces. But today I was going to change all that. I was going to take her on a long, glorious walk so that she could be a happy and balanced dog just like Cesar Millan wants her to be. Also I didn't want her flipping out when we got to Puppy School tonight.

Unfortunately, back when I was walking her regularly, I did a little too good of a job leash training her. Now she expects treats every 5-10 steps, and if she doesn't get them she stops dead. I guess that means I actually did a horrible job leash training her. Anyway. I made sure I had my phone and my keys when I left the house. We have one of those front doors that locks automatically when you close it, so I always double and triple check that I have my keys before I close the door.

But since Herbert wouldn't walk without treats, we had to go all the way back inside so that I could supply her with a variety of delicious bribes. I grabbed a handful of bacon bits and went back out. And realized just as the door was clicking behind me that the key's I'd been so careful to take with me were on the counter, next to the bacon bits container.

I did still have my phone with me, so I called my husband. He was stuck in meetings for 2 hours. I was so despondent that I didn't even feel like walking anymore. I took Herbert around the block, and then we went and sat in the back yard. I kept thinking of things I could do to kill time, such as:

1. Take the dog to PetsSmart. Oh, except no house keys means no car keys.
2. Walk to Starbucks. Crap, my wallet is inside.
3. Use a credit card to get the door open. No wallet, no credit cards.
4. Look in my car for some sort of credit-card-like, door opening device. Fuuuuuuck no keys. 
5. Sit on the porch and feel sorry for myself. That sounds like fun. I'll do that.

Luckily, the day was saved by my friend Julie, who happens to live around the corner. She noticed my pathetic tweet about being trapped outside, and called to invite me over. Shelter and human conversation! That's better than a normal afternoon safe inside my house.

I guess the moral of this story is all's well that ends well. Also, it's a good idea to live around the corner from a friend who's a teacher and whose students are on a field trip so she gets to come home early the day you lock yourself out. Also maybe when you're getting married, consider whether your husband's job will allow him to come bail you out of stupid situations, at least until you master time travel.