This is embarrassing.

I haven't drinken? dranken? drunken? had a beer a couple weeks. I'm seriously off my game.
I keep think of things to blog about, but none of them are beer related and I'm like, my blog is called The BEER Bitch, not The RANDOM THINGS THAT I THINK ABOUT Bitch.

But whatever. I'm just going to write about the random things that I think about, and one day when I start drinking again we'll get back to beer. K?

And of course now all the wonderfully random things I've thought about in the last two-ish weeks have flown right out of my head, so this post is just getting worse and worse.

I locked myself out of my house this afternoon. You know that awful feeling when you wish you could just go back to two seconds ago before you did something really stupid? If I had the ability to time travel I wouldn't waste it on seeing the future or going back to witness history. I would save my time traveling powers for emergencies when I just need to go back two fucking seconds.

I was trying to walk the dog. To be honest, I've been kindof slacking off on walking her because now that she's growing up she's a lot less hyperactive and not walking her no longer leads to things like her chasing me around the kitchen and eating my shoelaces. But today I was going to change all that. I was going to take her on a long, glorious walk so that she could be a happy and balanced dog just like Cesar Millan wants her to be. Also I didn't want her flipping out when we got to Puppy School tonight.

Unfortunately, back when I was walking her regularly, I did a little too good of a job leash training her. Now she expects treats every 5-10 steps, and if she doesn't get them she stops dead. I guess that means I actually did a horrible job leash training her. Anyway. I made sure I had my phone and my keys when I left the house. We have one of those front doors that locks automatically when you close it, so I always double and triple check that I have my keys before I close the door.

But since Herbert wouldn't walk without treats, we had to go all the way back inside so that I could supply her with a variety of delicious bribes. I grabbed a handful of bacon bits and went back out. And realized just as the door was clicking behind me that the key's I'd been so careful to take with me were on the counter, next to the bacon bits container.

I did still have my phone with me, so I called my husband. He was stuck in meetings for 2 hours. I was so despondent that I didn't even feel like walking anymore. I took Herbert around the block, and then we went and sat in the back yard. I kept thinking of things I could do to kill time, such as:

1. Take the dog to PetsSmart. Oh, except no house keys means no car keys.
2. Walk to Starbucks. Crap, my wallet is inside.
3. Use a credit card to get the door open. No wallet, no credit cards.
4. Look in my car for some sort of credit-card-like, door opening device. Fuuuuuuck no keys. 
5. Sit on the porch and feel sorry for myself. That sounds like fun. I'll do that.

Luckily, the day was saved by my friend Julie, who happens to live around the corner. She noticed my pathetic tweet about being trapped outside, and called to invite me over. Shelter and human conversation! That's better than a normal afternoon safe inside my house.

I guess the moral of this story is all's well that ends well. Also, it's a good idea to live around the corner from a friend who's a teacher and whose students are on a field trip so she gets to come home early the day you lock yourself out. Also maybe when you're getting married, consider whether your husband's job will allow him to come bail you out of stupid situations, at least until you master time travel.

Slow Week

I'm going to have to start a Diet Coke blog, because that's all I've been drinking lately.

I'm going to blame my recent spring cleaning binge for the fact that I haven't been posting. This place has never been cleaner, but it means I've been spending significantly less time on my ass in front of the computer than normal.

I did rack my Irish stout to secondary last Sunday, so that should be ready to bottle in another 2-3 weeks. Now I just need to decide what my next brew will be. I've got a double IPA and a wheat waiting in the wings. I want to use the IPA to experiment with yeast starters, and that makes me nervous. So most likely I'll be brewing up the wheat beer next. Either way, there will be no brewing this weekend, as the husband and I are once again headed to the east coast for a wedding. That will be the last one until June though. Then I need to start focusing on getting a real job, or something.

Until I get out of my posting rut, I give you this. It should keep you busy, and laughing hysterically for at least a few days.

Confession

I drank really bad beer last night.

My husband and I went to see Muse at Oracle Arena with a couple friends last night. You know how at stadiums, all the beer kiosks have different selections, different sized cups, different prices, and (most importantly) different line-lengths? Well the shortest line was for the Budweiser stand, which actually surprised me. They also had the largest cups and lowest price, which didn't surprise me. So we each got a giant cup of Bud. Then another.

Then it was my turn to make the beer run, and I actively sought out the non-Budweiser stand. I ended up with Sierra Nevada, which I generally consider to be a good beer. But oh my God, not last night. After 2 Buds, my palette was thoroughly trained to expect a near flavorless, hop-free, slightly sweet and way too carbonated "beer." That first sip of the Sierra Nevada was a shock. The bitterness was nearly unbearable, and the hop flavor was too much (something I never thought I'd say about a plain old pale ale).

In my defense, the kids in the row in front of us were passing around a big old J, and the similarity in aroma and flavor to the hops made my stomach turn. The deliciously grotesque bratwurst I'd just eaten didn't help any either.

Lesson learned. Trust me kids, mass-marketed American lagers are never worth it, no matter how short the line is.

Home Again

So, while I was away, it looks like some of my rough tasting notes got published. Oops. I deleted them, and will post the actual reviews this week.

It's been a slow beer week. My brother's wedding was awesome, but if it lacked in one area it was beer selection. I spent Saturday night drinking a lot of Jack and Diet. And I mean A LOT. After that, I was ready to take a break from drinking for a few days. Maybe I'll start up again tomorrow.

I did manage to crack open a few bottles of the homebrew. I brought a bottle each of the Pils and the Cream Ale with me to the wedding, mostly because I wanted to show off to my dad.

It got a glowing review from him. I quote, "This tastes like real beer. It lacks the cinnamon and sh1t taste of most homebrews I've had."

My dad doesn't know a lot of people who homebrew, but apparently the ones he does know specialize in flavored beers. I'm going to have to whip up a batch of mint chocolate stout just to mess with him.

But seriously. The Pils, which was expected to be a major disaster, is actually drinkable. It does have a chemically aftertaste that I'm not too pleased with, but on the whole it's alright. The Cream Ale I'd rate as pretty good based on the few sips I've had. Since the bottles got passed around a fair amount, I haven't really had a chance to do a fair assessment of either. So I guess that's coming up this week too.

And I just realized this is one big post of procrastination. Such is my life, I suppose.

Lagunitas Maximus

I picked this one up figuring we needed a slight change from the usual Lagunitas IPA that I buy on a weekly basis. I figured it would be similar, but a little more hoppy and a lot more alcohol-y. I was right on both fronts. 

Appearance - Golden amber; very clear, with a strong 1-finger head that stuck around for a few minutes.

Aroma - Surprisingly mild. It was Hoppy, but with a good balance of sweet malts.There's the citrus quality that you expect with a good IPA.

Taste - Definitely citrusy, with a sweet aftertaste from the malt. Hops aren't overpowering, but they're definitely there.

Mouthfeel - Smoothness similar to carmels melting in your mouth (a little oily). Carbonated enough that there's a little tingle on the back and sides of the tongue.

Drinkability - In all fairness, this review directly followed the Runitation, so anything would taste mild in comparison. I do think this could is sessionable, and I'll definitely be adding it to the regular rotation. I swear Lagunitas isn't paying me, but at this point I want a job there.

Sorry for the quick post tonight. I'm packing up to leave for my little brother's wedding. We have quite the fun-filled weekend ahead of us. However, my brother and his soon-to-be wife aren't big beer drinkers (unless you count Bud Light), so there likely won't be much opportunity for reviewing or posting. I'll be back on Monday.

Stone Ruination IPA

This is one of the three I bought last week while I waited for the smog check to get done on my car. I drank it Sunday night while I was boiling my homebrew Stout. I chose it because the bottle said it was unbelievably hoppy (100+ IBUs!!!), and man, they were right. I'm not entirely convinced that's a good thing, though.

My thoughts:

Appearance - It's orange/amber, and quite cloudy. The head is less than a finger, and it dissapates quickly.

Aroma - It smells like hop pellets right out of the package, and I should know because I had a fresh package of hops to compare it to. There's some citrus buried in there, but it's not evident at first.

Flavor - How do I say this without incriminating myself? This sh*t tastes like marijuana. My excuses for knowing this are A) I was an RA in college and busted my fair share of potheads and B) living in California where it's practically legal anyway, I've befriended my fair share of people with medicinal marijuana licenses. But seriously, the hops are just overpowering. And I love hops, so if I'm telling you it's too much, it's too much. I couldn't pick any other flavors out. Hey, I'm new at this. And they brag right on the bottle that this beer will destroy your palette.

Mouthfeel - It burns. I will say there's more carbonation that I expected.

Drinkability - This is not a session beer. I find myself craving meat and potatoes while I drink it, and I think it would be delicious with a nice heavy meal. I split a 22 oz bottle with my husband, and that's enough for me.




So I realize this all sounds kind of negative. This isn't a bad beer, and I'm sure people who really, really love hops will enjoy it. My husband thought it was great. It's just the kind of beer that there's a time and a place for. I'd definitely drink it again, though I doubt it will ever be the first bottle I reach for on a lazy Sunday evening.

I Need A Drink

Today was the worst.

First I went to the DMV. (You know DMV stories are always good.) It was my second trip there since I've moved. The first one ended in me finding out that the California DMV website doesn't contain a shred of accurate or useful information. But this time I was all ready. I'd changed to my married name with Social Security. I'd gotten my Smog Test. I had my old driver's license. And my marriage certificate. I had my title, registration, and about 18 thousand other necessary forms. 

When I arrived, I parked 3 blocks away because God forbid the DMV actually have a parking lot that fit the capacity of their waiting room at any given time. I then attempted to remove my Maryland license plates, only to discover the screws were completely rusted to the plates. No joke, I broke a screwdriver trying to pry those suckers off. So I decided to deal with that later and went to wait in my first line of the day. When I got to the point where they were handing out numbers, I discovered that I needed a passport or birth certificate in order to apply for a new license. Thank you, DMV website, for omitting that important bit of information. Luckily, the dude at the counter told me that the wait was so long I'd have time to drive home (30 minutes each way) and get my passport.

And that's exactly what I did. I figured I could at least grab another screwdriver while I was at it. My passport was easy enough to find. I still had it out from the multiple trips I've made to the Social Security office in the last 2 weeks. The screwdriver proved more elusive. Apparently we don't own a single screwdriver capable of more than changing the tiny screws in a pair of eyeglasses. So I'm running around the house looking for something--anything--that will get my license plates off my car, and the whole time Herbert's chasing me around like it's playtime. I ended up with a bottle opener. Yeah.

So I got back to the DMV, this time parking four blocks away. After a lot of cussing I finally managed to get my license plates free (did I mention it was raining this whole time?), and I went back inside. They were nowhere close to calling my number, so I guess the bright side here is I didn't spend that hour stuck in an uncomfortable chair between two smelly old men. My number got called and I proudly presented all of my information to the one-eyed clerk. She made me sign a few things and then told me to go to Window 4 for my new plates and then to Window 17 to get my picture taken and then to Window 26 for my test.

Test? Ya'll, I haven't taken a written driver's test since I was 15 and 3/4. I would use this space to rant about how stupid and pointless written driver's tests are, but I passed, so I'm going to let it slide. I do take issue with one of the questions I got wrong, though. Apparently it's "never, under any conditions" appropriate to drive with only your fog lights on. WHAT ABOUT BROAD DAYLIGHT?

So I turn in the test, and the lady tells me I passed, then she prints out a sheet of paper and says "This is your Interim Driver's License. Your card will be mailed in 2-3 weeks. Really, California? You can't print ID cards on demand? What is this, 1956? So now I'm supposed to fold this paper into 16ths and keep it in my wallet at all times.

Fine, whatever. The bottom line is that now, after 7 months, I finally have California tags and I finally share my husband's last name. This is cause for celebration, yes? Except that I had to go to get lab work done (nothing serious, just a blood draw). Have I ever mentioned that I'm terrified of needles? What in the world made me think to do these two things in one day?

The TV in the waiting room of the lab was showing Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. It's like the Universe was telling me that it really felt like I needed to pass out. I didn't, but I did cry. And I have a big bruise on my arm where they took the blood. That happens when you're too tense.

Now I'm home. My puppy is restless because she didn't get a walk today and my husband won't share his iPad. I have notes from at least 3 different beers that I need to type into coherent reviews and post, but I just don't feel like it. I think I'm going to bed.

Blasphemy Easter Stout

That's what I'm calling my latest homebrew. I'm using the Dry Irish Stout kit from Northern Brewer, and I must say, I'm really looking forward to tasting this one.

A few things of note:
- While my previous two brews smelled strongly of cereal early in the process, the Irish Stout had an extremely mild aroma. The specialty grains had a nice dark roasted coffee smell to them, but once they went into the boil it all but disappeared. The malt syrup had the overpoweringly sweet aroma that I've come to expect from brew day.

- Like the cream ale, this recipe only involved 1 hop addition. I suppose this is not particularly surprising, since Irish Stouts aren't generally known for their hoppy aroma.

- I had a slight boilover before I added the malt. My husband and I got sucked into Life on the the Discovery Channel, and I may have lost track of time.

- It took a long time to bring the wort back to a boil after the malt was added. I tried to wait for the hot break before I added the hops, but I got a little impatient.

- I was much more patient with the cold break and the pitching of the yeast. Once the 60 minute boil was done, it took about 15 minutes to get the wort down to 95 degrees. It's now hovering around 80, and I'm giving it another 30 minutes or so before I pitch the yeast.

- Speaking of yeast, this will be my first brew with zero yeast malfunctions (I hope). I popped the inner pouch on my WYeast smack pack at about 4:30, and it's now gorgeously inflated. I suppose there's still time for error. We'll see how long it takes to get fermentation going.

- OG is 1.046, which is only marginally higher than the 1.042 that Northern Brewer tells me to expect.

WTF

You knew this was coming if you read my post yesterday. Lagunita's limited release Wilco Tango Foxtrot is one that you're going to want to get your hands on.

We'll ignore the mildly annoying name. I won't talk about the fact that it should have been called Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Or that Wilco, while the name of an awesome band, stands for "Will Comply" in military voice procedure, not for the letter W. No, I won't talk about that. Because the truth is, the name made me chuckle, and was probably 60% responsible for my decision to purchase the beer. The other 40% of the decision was made easy by the fact that I greatly enjoy Lagunitas's products and have a lot of confidence in the quality of their beers.

Anyway. Here are my thoughts:

Appearance - A nice, clear brown with orange highlights. The head is thick and ivory, and sticks around for a little long while.

Aroma - The hops will knock you over. I'm expecting a flavor very similar to their IPA based on the scent. The weakness of my sense of smell paired with the strength of the hops leaves any other aromas undetectable for me.

Flavor - Surprisingly, not as much like the IPA as I expected. It doesn't have nearly the same bite or aftertaste. It's bitter at the front, but finishes with some malt and chocolate.

Mouth feel - Despite the fact that the head is still going strong, it doesn't taste overly-carbonated. In fact, it's very smooth--almost oily--on the tongue.

Drinkability - I shared the 22 oz bottle with my husband. Now I'm eyeing his glass and wondering if he'd notice if I took it (he would). I could easily polish the full big bottle on my own, but probably wouldn't be interested in more than that in one sitting.